As time pass by,
The leaves outside my window are swirling in the pre monsoon winds. It’s dusty and grey outside; appears as if it’s going to rain, no time soon. The cool gusty wind has suddenly stopped. With no movement of the trees, it appears to be dead outside. But in a few moments, the wind came into being again.
The weather lightens up the mood of the people around me, but someone doesn’t seem joyous.
No specific reasons. My summer vacations are coming to an end within 2 days and it will be back to school time. School, doesn’t seem fun anymore. Books haven’t come to the verge of drowning me; I hope they won’t. But, I feel lonely most of the time. I have friends, but still I feel friendless.
My happiness among my companions is just like the breezy wind. Sometimes, it blows too strong and wild and then at times, it suddenly stops .I recently posted a poem on ‘I am looking’. I wrote it because I wanted a friend. Just one friend. I wasn’t looking for more. But, I was looking for someone with whom I don’t have to put a mask to pretend to be someone else. It’s not like I don’t have friends. I have friends, amazing ones; I don’t know how to explain this situation.Maybe it’s because one my close friend is leaving me and we are parting our ways. oh…I am suffering from bouts of alexithymnia.
I just realized while sipping a cup of tea right now that how many masks I have created for myself. With every person I’ve met, I put on a different mask. In terms of friendship, I have honestly, had only 2 to 3 friends with whom I didn’t need to act like someone else. I was me. But some of those friendships have been a part of the past. We all make new ones as we move ahead in our life. Some of them maybe chose to part their ways with me or it’s just destiny. And that’s why I feel the need of a friend, a friend who was just made for a person like me; not to sound possessive.
But coming back to square one, I feel that those multiple masks have made a new person. I think I have forgotten who I truly was. The character or persona that we all create to please someone else tend to become a permanent part of our lives. And I think that I had created so many versions of me that somehow somewhere I couldn’t realize that I lost touch of the true me. The insecurities within us stop us from showing our true self. These self- instituted obstacles become a common cause for us to seek others approval instead of our own.
Same has happened with me. But somewhere, I am confusing two topics while I am writing this. First, I am searching for a friend. Still I am short of words to describe it fully. Second, because of the masks I have worn so many times, I have forgotten my true identity and have become a part of those multiple masks.
But, the only thing I am trying to do now is breathe, breathing with hope,faith and belief that every thing is going to be alright.
I’m signing off until I don’t find something interesting and worth writing for.